Lakers crash land in Houston

Bad omen….The Lakers start the game cold as ice, bungling plays and missing opportunities with bricks and bad passes to the tune of a 13-1 score before the first series of dreaded commercials…dammit, no fast forward…games like this can’t wait for TiVo.

Shane Battier of the Rockets, fresh off a text message from Mr. Obama is a thorn in Kobe’s side so far with his hand firmly entrenched in his mug. Luis Scola apparently ate his Wheaties today; he’s already got 10 points and sent an uninspired Andrew Bynum to the pine by lighting him up. It’s 17-1 in favor of the Rockets before Kobe hits a little hook shot to break the drought. No sense of urgency on the part of L.A. yet. It seems they love the drama, it’s now 21-3 Houston.

UnFKNbelievable

…Maybe I will TiVo a bit after all, because I have to walk away in disgust….excuse me for a moment, medicinal time…I’m in pain.

Jordan Farmar comes off the bench and hits a couple of threes to provide some hope for the indifferent Lakers, closing the gap to 27-15 after Houston lead by 18. The second quarter sees more uninspired ball from Los Angeles, but plenty of intensity from the short handed Rockets. Kobe gets a charging call because Battier jumps in front of him while already airborne yet Battier’s feet are in front of the line. Bad call. I can understand if the defensive player is set but once the offensive player has left his feet and the defender then slides in front of him, it should be blocking. Chalk it up to home court call. Several more lethargic minutes go by before Artest acts his way into a bullshit call by over-exaggerating a bump by Kobe that earns Bryant an unfounded technical. Like our friends screen name spells out for us hoopheads…NBA IS THE WORST. Even the announcers are saying the same thing; hopefully the league does the right thing and rescinds the tech. Despite the slow start and bad calls, the Lakers close the half only trailing 52-36...After losing by 35 and then winning by 40 in games 4 and 5, I can use the word “only” to describe a 16 point spread.

36 points in the first HALF?

LOL

The Rockets are taking the advice their hobbled big man Yao Ming gave to Charles Barkley and Dwayne Wade and eating the head. Time for another toke for the Bleeder, I need the calming effect to kick in pronto before my melon explodes….Fhuq HALF-time, I’m smoking the whole damn thing.

After getting my head straight, I hit the play button and watch the Lakers wake up to the tune of a seven to nothing run to start the third quarter, even getting the benefit of some calls from the zebras. I guess Phil gave them what for in the locker room because this is a completely different Lakers squad we’re seeing. In the blink of an eye the lead is down to only four, 54-50 with the Mamba at the stripe…Make that a two point lead.

16-2 Lakers run now….I think performance enhancing drugs may have been used in the Lakers locker room during halftime, who are these guys? The Rockets promptly respond with an 8-2 run of their own to push the lead back to eight, 62-54. I guess this answers the question: Where will amazing happen this year, because this is pretty fucking amazing….The Lakers are the Jekyll & Hyde of the NBA…(Speaking of which, I need to set the TiVo to record the Knicks-loving troll Spike Lee’s Kobe documentary premiering on ESPN Saturday.) Farmar has 10 points in eleven minutes off the bench so far. Landry, Brooks, Artest and Scola keep the pressure on L.A by hitting big shots to close the 3rd effectively fending off the furious Lakers push and propel Houston’s lead back to 9 to close out the quarter, 74-65 setting up a dogfight for the 4th.

The Zenmaster sits Kobe to start the 4th…kinda like dangling a steak in front of a pit bull…Phil’s either a genius or a wing nut for this one. A Gasol left hand hook, a Sasha brick followed by a teary eyed trip back to the pine and a Lamar Odom rebound dunk kill a few minutes and cuts the deficit to 7. Oh joy…a David Stern courtside interview that prompts another TiVo pause button workout and a quick shower for yours truly…I always feel so dirty after witnessing his sliminess…you can’t catch the swine flu through the TV can you?

Still dripping with only a towel on, I hit play only to see Carl Landry posterize Odom with a monster dunk down the middle of the lane, thus causing me to vomit on my freshly scrubbed toes and do the MC Hammer dance…Hold it now, shower time, do-doo-doo-doo, ts-ts-doo doo, ts-ts, doo doo. Who the FUCK is Carl Landry and why is he playing like Sir Charles in 94?? Does he get paid by the bead of sweat or what?…Oh wonderful, a muppet version of Kobe is now taunting LeMVPuppet with cookies and three championship trophies in Nike commercials…Phil Knight must be sopping up his love explosion just thinking about a possible Bryant/King James Finals….too bad no one told the Rockets and Super Midget Aaron Brooks about Nike’s plot to conquer the NBA because he just hit another three.

While Kobe’s busy jawing at the nearest official about a tap on the wrist, H-town and Insta-Star Carl have cranked up the heat and built the spread back up to his red uniform number, 14. Odom slumbers over to the Lakers bench after collecting his 6th and final foul where the Houston fans behind the seating area wear BEAT LA shirts and Ray Charles’ Hit The Road Jack sends the crowd into a frenzy. This game is over…Chick Hearn, Wilt Chamberlain and George Mikan roll over in their graves…Aaahhhhh, how perfect…another ad for the Kobe documentary…just as the Lakers get shoved into the refrigerator right next to the limburger cheese…but who can tell the difference? They stink with the same potency tonight.

With the win, it’s another start to finish victory for the never-say-die Rockets and another head scratcher for the Lakers faithful. Congratulations Houston…Clutch City is alive and well for at least one more game.

Now all us Lakers fans get to sweat for another day and a half before the next episode of As The Lakers Turn.
I hope Mr. Hyde is alive and well for all four quarters on Saturday Game 7 at Staples Center Saturday should be riveting television. Be there or be square.

The Los Angeles Lakers,
WE KNOW DRAMA